The Orchid Thief

When I woke up this morning I was planning on having a nice quite relaxing couple of hours while MJ's daddy took her to a baby Gymboree music class. It turns out that she is not quite ready for the class and got a little freaked out by the instruments, but that's a story for another time.

As this was going to be a lazy Saturday morning I didn't bother to change out of my Pjs as I sat on the couch to read for awhile. It was a decision that I regretted when my neighbor from across the street stopped by and knocked on the door. She is a wonderfully friendly woman who has been helping me feed a recent addiction to orchids. I've never really been much of a green thumb, but a few months back my step-mother bought me a lovely chocolate orchid (the flowers smell exactly like chocolate) and shortly after that I went to the Orchid Festival at Fairchild Botanic Garden with my mother and acquired a few more orchids. Since then, with the help of my neighbor, the Orchid Lady, I have been doing marvelously well at not only keeping my little green friends alive but also getting them to thrive.

This morning, however, the Orchid Lady stopped by to see if all of my orchids, which only numbered around 10, had been stolen as well. Yes, I said, “as well.” You see, the Orchid Lady had at least 30 or more orchids hanging on the palm trees in the front yard of her house. She has what must be at least 200 or so more elsewhere around her house. Sadly, when she woke up this morning and took her dog out for a walk she noticed they had all been stolen. She came by my house to see how we fared. All of mine were gone as well. She talked about phoning the police to file a report and mentioned how she thought it was probably kids who stole them to resell them to the street vendor down the road.

Of course, we all know what will come of filing a police report. I mean, in all honesty, in a city like Miami I'm sure (or at least I hope) the police have more important issue to attend to. While I wish there was a possibility of getting my little green friends back, I know there isn't. My husband keeps saying how I can get new orchids and start my blossoming collection over again. Somehow that's not quite the point.

In a way, I feel violated. Someone walked up onto my well lit porch in the middle of the night while we were all asleep and stole from me. Yes, this is Miami. Yes, I should expect such things to happen I suppose, but for the past year we have been here I have been lulled into thinking that my neighborhood was a real neighborhood. The people are friendly and know each other. We stop to chat on the street. We have had dinner at each other's houses. Now, I know it wasn't one of my neighbors who ran off with our orchids, but nonetheless, the neighborhood just doesn't have that same safe homey feel anymore. The orchid thief ran off with more than just my flowers.

pierced ears and pink clothes

A few days ago there was a post up on A Mom, a Blog and the Life In-Between about the Curious Case of the Evil, Ear Piercing Cubans responding to a post elsewhere in which people compared piercing a baby's ears to genital mutilation. Obviously the phrase “different strokes for different folks” applies here. While I think it is absurd to compare piercing a baby girl's ears to mutilation in any form (although I may be biased here as I am heavily pierced myself and have never felt mutilated), I certainly would never do it to my little girl. This is not a moral statement and it is not an assault on the practice of piercing. I just personally would never do it. I feel MJ deserves the right to make that choice for herself and that was the comment I made in response to the post, the first one in the list of replies.


When I went back a day or so later to read other comments the tone of each was basically in agreement with the original author: How absurd it is to make such a lopsided comparison. One comment in particular, however, bothered me. The poster described a story in which she encountered a baby of a fellow worker dressed in a white t-shirt and overalls and exclaimed, “He's so cute.” It turns out that the baby was in fact a girl, something about which she was later informed, prompting her to reply, “Really? well maybe she should get her ears pierced. Or not dress her like a boy.”


That statement really annoys me. I was going to reply to it on the original blog, but as my response was forming in my head it began to sound more like a rant and I thought here would be the better venue.


As many people know I am fairly adamant about not having MJ dressed in pink. Personally, I don't like the color and I see no reason to dress my baby girl like a bottle of Pepto-Bismol. This is a lot easier said than done since it seems that many manufacturers of infant clothing generally only make pink for girls until past the age of 12 months. I have gone out of my way to make sure that MJ has clothing in purple, green, black, blue, orange, red and any other color I can find only because I think that the 'pink = girl' equation is absurd. It is my own belief that the tendency of mothers to dress their baby girls only in pink stems from a (possibly) subconscious fear of having someone think their girls are boys.


I feel a similar way about ear piercing. I have no problem with it. I won't do it to her because I think that she should choose to do it herself. I understand that it is also a cultural thing in some instances. I also understand that many mothers simply like it and therefore do it. I have no problem with any of that.


What bugs me is the assumption that it is my responsibility to make sure other people know my baby is a girl by outfitting her with the trappings of "female". Why should I have to I get her ears pierced so that you know what to call her? Since when are jeans and a white t-shirt the exclusive property of the male wardrobe anyway?


Just because I don't put my child in pink frills, or put headbands on her, or put stick-on bows on her head does not mean she looks like a boy. Why is it that no one asks the mother of a boy in a plain white onesie if he is a girl? The assumption always is that if the baby isn't in pink or doesn't have pierced eras the baby is male. How much sense does that make?


What I don't understand is why our culture requires us to outwardly tag female babies in some way to prove to strangers that they are, in fact, female. Why not say that any baby not wearing trucks or footballs must be a girl? It is an equally absurd assumption.


There is an easy solution to that problem, people. If you are wishing to compliment a baby of whose gender you are uncertain, simply say, “What a cute baby!” Simple and to the point

road rage

I am sick to death of overprivileged, cell phone talking, SUV driving women. Wake up, bitches, you are not the only people on the road!

Why is it that the person driving the Porsche Cayenne who nearly runs you down as she flies through the unnoticed stop sign is inevitably a woman on a cell phone? Never mind the environmentally unfriendliness of the car she has chosen to drive but must she always be on the freaking phone? Come on people! I'm sure that whatever you have to say can wait the 15 minutes it will take you to reach your destination and no longer be driving. Do you really feel you are so important that you can totally disregard traffic regulations and nearly run down a woman in a MUCH smaller car complete with baby in the back seat simply because you are on the phone? Let me break it to you gently. In this day and age nearly everyone has a cell phone. Having one does not make you important. Talking on one while driving, however, makes you an inconsiderate asshole.

Inevitably these road hazard SUVs are of a Porsche or Mercedes (Latin for 'bribe' by the way. Look it up. merces, mercedis) make. I mean, really, how ridiculous is it to have a Porsche SUV? I'm sorry folks, I don't care what kind of pepper you name it after, it is still just an SUV, not a sports car.

I realize that presently there is no law in the state of Florida banning drivers from driving one handed because they are talking on the phone. There are no regulations for hands free devices. I'm not an activist. I'm not trying to petition for such a law to exist, no matter how good an idea I think it is. All I want is (obviously impossible) for drivers to have some sort of consideration on the road.

This afternoon on my way back from Gymboree I was nearly hit by a woman (black Porsche Cayenne) who ran a red light. Naturally she was on the phone. Naturally she did not care at all for the fact that she barely missed smashing into the rear left side of my car (with baby in the back). Two days ago I was being tailgated (again a black Porsche Cayenne) while driving on I-95. The woman was so close to me that I couldn't see the nose of her car in my rear view mirror. She was so close I KNOW she would have seen Morgan in the back seat had she not been on the phone. None of this, however, was a concern to her as she tailgated me at 65 miles per hour since her SUV and deep and meaningful conversation marked her out as a much more significant person than either myself or my baby.

Admittedly, I'm not the biggest fan of the SUV to begin with. However, should an affordable hybrid SUV ever be developed I'd buy it in a minute just to shield myself and my child from the Ford Excessives the pollute the roads. Those gas guzzling monsters apparently do not come equipped with rear or side view mirrors. Or if they do the owner's manual expressly forbids using them while the car is in motion. However, my personal dislike of SUVs aside, today I will direct all my anger and venom at the inconsiderate and oblivious cell phone talking soccer moms* who clearly believe that whomever they harm on the road is inconsequential as long as their own kids are safely strapped in the back numbing their brains on seat-back DVD players.

*Please don't mistake me. this is not a rant against soccer moms in general. In fact, I hope to be one someday.

The Judgment of Mothers

I'm constantly amazed at how hard mothers can be on each other. It seems to me that some women feel the need to compete for the “best mother” award with every other woman they see or speak to who has a child. I find this an incredibly distressing trend. Ladies, why are we so hard on each other?

I subscribe to and read a few parenting boards. For the most part I find them interesting and helpful. It is always a comfort to hear that your child is not the only one who does some incredibly strange things. I have become quite close with one group of women with whom I've been chatting for over two years. We branched out and formed our own message board about a year ago. I offer this information to demonstrate that I don't think all mothers are hostile towards each other. However, more and more I am becoming disillusioned with some of these mainstream sites. I frequently see mothers attack other mothers for some of the silliest reasons. This seems to me completely out of character with the purpose of these boards, to be support groups. But then again, perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps it's not about support. Perhaps it's about coming out on top.

I have encountered some really bizarre criticisms in my short stint as a mother. I have had women (and mind you, it is almost always women, other mothers, who make these statements) ridicule me for my diapering choices: “Why on earth would you want to wash your diapers?!? That's so silly. Disposable diapers are so much easier.” I've been mocked for wearing Morgan in a wrap: “That just looks so uncomfortable. Why don't you just get a stroller and be done with it. It's so much more practical.” My answers to those sorts of derisive statements? “My daughter is nearly 6 months old and has never had a diaper rash. Why wouldn't I use cloth diapers?” “Actually, I have a stroller. I just find it easier sometimes not to have to pull it in and out of the car for no reason.” I won't even get into the comments I get on my natural birth in a tub, although admittedly the ones I got before the birth were much more harsh and judgmental, telling me things like I was putting my unborn baby's life in danger. I know I've already complained on this blog once about people telling me I need to let my baby cry if she's ever going to learn to go to sleep on her own.

Those are some of the issues I have come across in real life. On line is an entirely different world. Perhaps it's the anonymity of message boards that allows women to feel that they can rip into other women's parenting choices. Whatever the reason may be, I find that the attacks on parenting styles tend to me much more severe on line than they are in person.

A few examples: I recently read a thread on a board in which mother asked for advice on how to freeze homemade purees. Do you think anyone offered her advice or information on this topic? No, it was much more important to chastise her for feeding her child pureed foods when everybody knows that if the babies can't pick up the food for themselves they shouldn't be eating it. The other morning another woman posted that “tummy time” was invented by parents who drop their children into contraptions 24/7 because they need to be reminded to flip their babies every now and again. The implication, of course, was that if you put your child in any sort of “contraption” then you are a bad parent and must remember to put your child on the floor for tummy time, kind of like flipping a comatose patient to prevent bed sores. I was disgusted by that statement. There is, of course, the ever present hostility of, “Don't talk to me about breastfeeding!” and “giving the baby formula is the same as feeding her plastic.” The list goes on: If you use a stroller it obviously must mean that you don't love your child enough to hold him or her all the time; if you don't have your child sleeping in your bed with you they will grow up to be needy and unfulfilled.

When did it become the right and, seemingly, the obligation of women to tell other mothers how to raise their own kids? I have news for you. If my child is independent and likes playing in an exersaucer and I don't allow her to do so, that, my friends, is not responding to her needs. If my baby does not want to be carried in her Maya wrap today, forcing her is not responding to her needs. If my baby wants to eat “adult food” and can't quite manage the manual dexterity to eat finger foods, refusing to allow her to eat purees is not responding to her needs. If she does not sleep well next to me in bed and I insist on keeping her there anyway, I'm not doing it for her, I'm doing it for me.

I wish mothers would lighten up and be more supportive of each other. Mothering is a hard job. It requires a lot of long hours and difficult decisions. Why must we rip into each other instead of offering support? I think we should all take a moment and congratulate a mother we know on the good job she is doing. Offer your fellow women support, not criticism!

a note on crying babies

Honestly, if I had a dollar or each time I heard the phrase "sometimes babies just need to cry" since the birth of my daughter, I'd be a rich woman today. In response to all those people who feel the need to offer that unwanted and unsolicited advice here are my thoughts on the issue.

Yes, sometimes babies do need to cry, like when their diapers are dirty or they are hungry or they have hurt themselves. The rest of the time, there is no need. Putting a baby down for bed should *not* necessitate crying.

I do not believe in allowing my daughter to "cry it out" for multiple reasons. Firstly, if there are babies out there who release stress by crying, my MJ is not one of them. When she starts crying it is because she is genuinely upset and ignoring that fact is not going to make her stop and all of a sudden realize she is over reacting. Instead she will escalate and be upset for hours. Not pleasant for her or anyone else, so why do it? If she does stop crying because she has exhausted herself, how horrible is that! I have never voluntarily chosen to cry myself to sleep, why on earth would I think that she should have to? Secondly, why on earth would I want to teach a brand new human being that the world is so awful that when you are upset no one cares? Now, that may be true and it may be something that she will have to learn at a later date, but my belief is that not quite 5 months old is way to young to become so jaded. Thirdly, I'm sure it is true that when she cries she knows I will come in there for her. At least, I hope that's what she thinks. How awful to think that my little girl does not have faith that I will come to try to comfort her. No, she is *not* trying to manipulate me. No, she is not "spoiled". She is a baby and sometimes crying is her only means of communication. Lastly, how can anyone who has ever heard the heart wrenching sound of your own flesh and blood, a spawn of your own self, crying inconsolably possibly stand by and do nothing about it? These people must have no feeling.

So, in short, while it is impossible to have my little one go through life never being upset and never feeling sad, I scoff at people who tell me that I should just let her cry it out and get over it. There is time for that later in life. There is no need for it now. So I will happily (ok, maybe not happily) suffer through nights of sleeplessness so that she can feel comforted and secure. I WILL pick her up when she cries and I will NOT let my poor little munchkin think that Mamma is not coming for her.