road rage

I am sick to death of overprivileged, cell phone talking, SUV driving women. Wake up, bitches, you are not the only people on the road!

Why is it that the person driving the Porsche Cayenne who nearly runs you down as she flies through the unnoticed stop sign is inevitably a woman on a cell phone? Never mind the environmentally unfriendliness of the car she has chosen to drive but must she always be on the freaking phone? Come on people! I'm sure that whatever you have to say can wait the 15 minutes it will take you to reach your destination and no longer be driving. Do you really feel you are so important that you can totally disregard traffic regulations and nearly run down a woman in a MUCH smaller car complete with baby in the back seat simply because you are on the phone? Let me break it to you gently. In this day and age nearly everyone has a cell phone. Having one does not make you important. Talking on one while driving, however, makes you an inconsiderate asshole.

Inevitably these road hazard SUVs are of a Porsche or Mercedes (Latin for 'bribe' by the way. Look it up. merces, mercedis) make. I mean, really, how ridiculous is it to have a Porsche SUV? I'm sorry folks, I don't care what kind of pepper you name it after, it is still just an SUV, not a sports car.

I realize that presently there is no law in the state of Florida banning drivers from driving one handed because they are talking on the phone. There are no regulations for hands free devices. I'm not an activist. I'm not trying to petition for such a law to exist, no matter how good an idea I think it is. All I want is (obviously impossible) for drivers to have some sort of consideration on the road.

This afternoon on my way back from Gymboree I was nearly hit by a woman (black Porsche Cayenne) who ran a red light. Naturally she was on the phone. Naturally she did not care at all for the fact that she barely missed smashing into the rear left side of my car (with baby in the back). Two days ago I was being tailgated (again a black Porsche Cayenne) while driving on I-95. The woman was so close to me that I couldn't see the nose of her car in my rear view mirror. She was so close I KNOW she would have seen Morgan in the back seat had she not been on the phone. None of this, however, was a concern to her as she tailgated me at 65 miles per hour since her SUV and deep and meaningful conversation marked her out as a much more significant person than either myself or my baby.

Admittedly, I'm not the biggest fan of the SUV to begin with. However, should an affordable hybrid SUV ever be developed I'd buy it in a minute just to shield myself and my child from the Ford Excessives the pollute the roads. Those gas guzzling monsters apparently do not come equipped with rear or side view mirrors. Or if they do the owner's manual expressly forbids using them while the car is in motion. However, my personal dislike of SUVs aside, today I will direct all my anger and venom at the inconsiderate and oblivious cell phone talking soccer moms* who clearly believe that whomever they harm on the road is inconsequential as long as their own kids are safely strapped in the back numbing their brains on seat-back DVD players.

*Please don't mistake me. this is not a rant against soccer moms in general. In fact, I hope to be one someday.